Raven's Diary
by JakOvsumTrade
Summary: A collection of entries from the point of view of Raven about the Titans' lives. Some poems, some not, some about things covered in the show, some about everyday life. The dates are based on when the episodes were aired.
1. October, 2004

Disclaimer: I do not own **Teen Titans** , obviously.

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 _Loneliness is the poverty of self - May Sarton_

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 _Creepy_ ,

That's what he called me.

 _Creepy_ ,

Like some kind of weird bug.

 _Creepy_ ,

If anything, he's the _Creepy_ one.

I'm not _Creepy_...

I'm just different.

He speaks to me at night,

When everyone else is asleep.

Always there's more to do,

Trying to break his curse.

But when we rest together,

I don't feel _Creepy_ anymore.

White is the new black,

Joy is the new rage.

Friends feel closer,

Yet so far away.

They aren't like him,

They can't understand.

So close to success,

Soon I won't be alone.

He says that I'm ready,

That the pain will go.

The best thing that's happened,

In over one thousand years.

But he lied to me,

He lied, and I-

I gave him what he wanted.

 _Sweet_ ,

That's what he called me.

 _Sweet_ ,

Like some kind of lovely candy.

 _Sweet_ ,

He was not _Sweet_ at all.

I'm not _Sweet_...

But I'm not alone.


	2. August, 2018

AN: Right after I posted the first chapter, I left on a road trip right looking for some inspiration. This is the product of a six-hour hike that left me delirious from dehydration because I only packed 500mL of water.

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Disclaimer: I do not own **Teen Titans** , obviously.

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 _Love is whatever you can still betray. Betrayal can only happen if you love - John le Carre_

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The Changeling issue is really getting to Richard, more than Slade ever did. He broke it off with Koriand'r last week because he felt he couldn't give her the attention she deserves while trying to make sure that Changeling is brought to justice. She was understandably inconsolable afterwards, and went through twelve tissue boxes in the four hours she spent in my room crying.

Victor is still busy at Steel City, helping the Titans East rebuild after Changeling hit there. If he were here, he'd knock some sense into Richard, but I'm worried if I leave Koriand'r long enough to do so myself, we'd never see her again. She was always the most sensitive and emotional member of the team, and now that her family is falling apart, she's probably falling apart herself. Not that I'm doing much better. In truth, we're all falling apart, but Victor, Richard, and myself all have ways of dealing with the pain. Koriand'r is strong in her own right, but she's not like us, and that blessing is a curse as well.

Yes, I too am hurting. I'm not so heartless so as not to feel anything even now, no matter what he said. Him. It's all his fault. He's the reason why- no, no, he's not the only one at fault here. We're all to blame in a way. We were there, his friends, his _family_ , and we just let it happen. Well, I hope that vengeance tastes as sweet as blood.

We were hunting him, Changeling, again today. Hunting him, what a laugh. He was hunting us. He played us for fools and we fell right into his trap, hook, line, and sinker. All that bullshit about being sorry, and wanting to repent, be brought to justice, all of it was a lie. He hadn't realized the error of his ways. The only thing he realized is how to use our past against us. So much for a peaceful meeting in a neutral location.

I shouldn't have to say that he got away again. We can barely match him with Victor there, we stood no chance without him. Especially given the drama between Richard and Koriand'r and our hopes that we'd get our friend back. But that doesn't matter anymore. He got me. He got me, and I didn't even realize until now. I don't think even he noticed. He'll probably be disappointed that he can't toy with me anymore, that he's reduced to playing with only his best friends, and not his ex-girlfriend. Oh well, soon the pain will end.

I wonder if I'll see Garfield on the other side. Changeling did say he was long dead.


	3. August, 2003

AN: For this chapter, my reference is the _Pieces of Me_ comic as well as the _Nevermore_ the episode, but mostly my own imagination. And something I should have mentioned earlier, if any of these entries inspires you to write your own story or makes you want to read more from that time, send me a PM with a link to your story or a request.

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Disclaimer: I do not own **Teen Titans** , obviously. Also, any similarity between this poem and a certain song *cough _Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds_ cough* by a certain band *cough _the Beatles_ cough* is purely imaginary on your part and not at all because I had an idea but no way to structure it... But just to be safe, I don't own **the Beatles** or any of their songs, either.

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 _Colors, like features, follow the changes of emotions - Pablo Picasso_

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Picture yourself on the ground on the ceiling,

With strawberry trees and marshmallow clouds.

Full laughter echoes out over the rolling hills,

And all is delightful in the world of Happiness.

'*'

Follow the path to a maze in a forest,

With screaming trees and indestructible walls.

Endless apologies drift through the cold air,

And all is formidable in the world of Timidity.

'*'

Now you're at the gym in the mountains,

With punching bags and bags that punch back.

Forceful shouts ring out between around equipment,

And all is pugnacious in the world of Bravery.

'*'

Past is the talk show set up in the theater,

With mahogany desks and swiveling chairs.

Sarcastic comments stream from backstage,

And all is derisive in the world of Rudeness.

'*'

Picture yourself in a library in endless space,

With sky-scraping shelves and thousands of tomes.

Quiet shuffling breaks the silence occasionally,

And all is calculable in the world of Knowledge.

'*'

Follow the path to a beach in a sunset,

With clear-blue waves and white sands.

Whispered words pledge undying love,

And all is coveted in the world of Passion.

'*'

Now you're at a house in a town,

With dirty laundry and half-eaten food.

Boisterous snores shake the very foundations,

And all is lethargic in the world of Sloth.

'*'

Finally is the erupting volcano in the darkness,

With bubbling lava pools and no pretty glass.

Resentful screams dig into your bones,

And all is dead in the world of Rage.


	4. July, 2003

AN: Warning, this chapter contains self-harm. If you think you might be triggered, you probably shouldn't read. And those of you who think that maybe a someone you know is practicing self-harm, remember the worst thing you can do is take away their tools.

Saying that, I have tried to give this a happier ending. Let me know if you like it, or if I should just stick to what I'm used to.

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Disclaimer: I do not own **Teen Titans** , obviously.

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 _We build too many walls and not enough bridges - Isaac Newton_

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Blood is dripping from my arm as I write this, but I don't even care. If anything, I'm glad it is. I enjoy the pain, it helps me connect, gives me something to focus on, let's me know that this is all real, and that I'm not dead yet. My greatest fear is that someone will see the splits in my skin and pity me. I don't want their pity, there's nothing wrong with me, I'm perfectly fine as I am. Thankfully the only one who would notice would never say anything.

He won me a giant chicken in the fair today, and I felt like the luckiest girl in the world that he was focusing solely on me. I told him so, but even though I was deathly serious everyone could still hear sarcasm in my voice. I hate my father, I hate the monks of Azarath, and I hate myself.

Another laceration made and more blood flows out. The knife's blade is so fine, that the blood has to push apart the skin on either side of the cut to escape. It stings more that way, and so the pain lasts longer. But it's just not enough right now, I need more, I want more. The knife returns to my skin.

I don't know for how much longer I can keep this up. I've spent so long building up my walls, that I don't know how to take them down. I want them to get to know me, the real me, but I'm not sure even I know the real me anymore. She wants to be free, that much is for sure.

I'm so envious of Beast Boy. To fly, I'm reliant on the demonic powers inherited from my father. But not him. No, he can become any bird he wanted, and fly away by his own power. Nothing but the wind and the beats of his wings keeping him up. To be able to fly away from all your problems at a moments notice must be wonderful. He would never do it, I know, and that's why he deserves it all the more. If I could become animals, I would become a beautiful macaw and live in a vibrant jungle. Not a raven, no. I would be constantly reminded of my past, missed opportunities and failed plans.

The door opens, and he's standing there in the frame, just looking at me. Are those tears in his eyes? He slowly walks over and kneels down next to me. He's picking up the bandages and antiseptic I settled next to me, and is now wrapping my wounds. No, they're not wounds. Wounds are bad, these are the flaps of my wings, taking me far away from here.

But maybe with him around, here isn't so bad after all.


	5. May, 2011

AN: I felt like after the last chapter you all deserved a little prize, so I give it my best and tried to write something more cheerful. Enjoy.

That was a command, not a suggestion.

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Disclaimer: I do not own **Teen Titans** , obviously.

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 _A flower cannot blossom without sunshine, and man cannot live without love - Max Muller_

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I went flying with Gar again today, and he told me the worst pickup line ever, if you can even call it that.

I followed his raven form, and I still can't believe how long it took before I realized why it was his favorite, to our secret spot in the forest. It's not really secret, but the glade is so out of the way, and people avoid it out of gratitude to us, so we can just pretend no one knows where we are. When we're there, it almost feels like we're alone in the universe, and that there is no city to come back to.

The glade is wonderful this time of year. Spring is truly something special, and it's beauty never ceases to amaze me. The ground is covered in a carpet of wildflowers, and all the trees are in full bloom. Gar always said that spring was his favorite time as well because it reminds him of our relationship. I believe his words were, "I'm the green stem, and you're my pretty purple petals." I won't lie, that won him some brownie points, and I like the idea that he is always there supporting me. But I'm not sure how to respond to his most recent attempt at poetry.

He flew to the forest floor and picked several different flowers before turning to me, holding his offering before him. Handing me the bouquet, he started smiling in that annoyingly bright way of his. His eyes lit up and he pulled me towards him, kissing the back of my hand and working his way up my arm. He spent a while at my neck and nibbled on my earlobe before finally finding my lips with his. As he pulled away, I saw the grin had not gone away. If anything, it had grown.

That was when he said, with wiggling eyebrows and everything, "April showers bring you May flowers, and May flowers bring me fun hours." I smacked him at the time, of course, and we haven't spoken about it for a week now. But now that I've had some time to calm down and think about it, I seem to be part of the minority in my head.

An emoticlone coalition has formed in favor of pursuing further relations with Gar. The coalition, spearheaded by Passion, Bravery, and Happiness has managed to pick up a three unexpected members. Knowledge, ever the intellectual told me about her hypothesis that sex would decrease my stress levels and help me function better. Rudeness just straight up told me she hated still being a virgin. But it was the final member of the coalition that really surprised me.

Rage. That's right, the one who tried to kill Gar when she first saw him, that Rage. The weirdest part is that she's just as vocal about it as Passion. At first, I suspected something, but Knowledge put those fears to rest by reminding me that Rage is inherently impulsive, and isn't actually able to plan ahead. If anything, that just made me more frightened. So far, anything that Rage supported did not end well.

As it stands, only Timidity and Sloth are on my side that we're not ready yet. Though saying that Sloth is on my side is a little bit of an overstatement. The only reason she's not part of coalition is because it would take too much effort on her side. And while Timidity is firmly on my side, she's not exactly the best ally to have, and she doesn't have much power in my mindscape. At least, not since Gar and I got together.

Since the majority of my emoticlones want Gar and I to move to the next base, that means on some subconscious level, I too want it. They are all just pieces of me, after all. It's decided then. But Gar won't make another move, not for a long time. He'll want to wait until I'm ready. That means I'm gonna have to take the initiative and further our relationship myself.

Now I just have to figure out how to do that.

Ugh, I feel another headache coming on.


	6. July, 2004

AN: My ramblings during Spanish class, translated, converted to the Titanverse, and cleaned about a bit. I kept it mostly the same to maintain the stream of consciousness feel I was going for. It contains some irony, and I hope you guys will catch it. Raven is quite a conflicted character, and I do my best to capture that.

Like always, hope you enjoy. Maybe tell me if you like these stream of consciousness chapters or not.

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Disclaimer: I do not own **Teen Titans** , obviously.

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 _I'd rather take dead aim than shoot my pistol in the air. I'd rather be a traitor than a man who doesn't care - People that You Meet, Bishop Allen._

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It's been a while since I last wrote, but I felt empty again, so out with the pen and paper. I'm not quite sure what to write though. I guess I can just get things off my chest. I haven't cut in a while. I keep seeing Beast Boy standing there, crying in my doorway. The blood is starting to feel better flowing through my veins than out. The older cuts have mostly scarred, and all the rest are scabbed. Soon, the only evidence of what occurred would be slight discolorations on skin already silvery-grey.

While I'm just putting things out there, I must say I am happy for Beast Boy and Terra. Beast Boy deserves someone who can control their powers and not accidently hurt him in a fit of rage. Terra, she's a good friend, and she's pretty, and powerful. She'd be good for Beast Boy. Beast Boy is the best person I've ever met, he deserves the best.

And yet, he means nothing to me. Everyone means nothing to me. I hate myself. I don't hate myself. I feel like I should hate myself, and that I'm a bad person, but I just don't care. The more I say it, the worse it becomes, it's a vicious cycle. But emotions are so fleeting, they come and go within seconds. I don't know joy until I feel it, and anger doesn't exist except when it does. Is this how everyone feels? No, I know it is not.

Some people don't wish for a world without suffering because they say that joy would lose meaning with nothing bad to compare it too. I think that's selfish. How can you accept suffering just so every now and then you feel a little happier.? People, children, entire villages are starving just so you can get your high. Families are torn apart by wars and psychopaths roam the world all because you can't compare something to nothing. If that's not selfish, I don't know what is.

Of course, everyone is at least a little selfish, I'm not so hypocritical so as to suggest I'm not. I want to feel the way others feel, to see the world as more, to remember what it feels like to laugh when I'm not, to taste something so good I moan, to meet someone who makes me want to live to see the next day.

But it'll never happen. I know better. In all my years none of these wishes have ever been fulfilled. Sometimes at night as I lie awake in bed, I imagine that there is someone else out there, someone like me, someone who could understand me. We'd meet by chance, like in one of Kori's romantic comedies, and then after several fights and miscommunications, we'd get together and profess our love.

And then the inevitable harshness of life sinks in, and I remember that it doesn't work that way. But that's okay, I don't really care anymore. I haven't cared for a while. I haven't been trying as in training, I flinch away from Robin's attention when he looks for an assistant, I'm always 'busy' in battle and can't support any of them, I spend any free moment locked in my room reading in a corner. No one's called me out on it yet, but I know it will happen at some point. Of course, that doesn't matter either because what are they going to do? Nothing. There's nothing they can do.

I hate this. Do I hate this? Yes. No. Maybe. I don't know. What is hate? I'm not sure exactly.

But I definitely know it better than love.


	7. February, 2009

AN: Raven sometimes used the name Rachel in the comics, but her real name _IS_ Raven, so where did she get Rachel from. Maybe she was honoring a friend? Okay, so maybe I just had something written in my journal and decided I should kill two birds with one stone, no pun intended. That's right, this is another personal experience of mine, slightly edited to work better for Raven's character.

If you're asking, "Another?" then I should tell you, most of these are. I took more liberties with some than others.

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Disclaimer: I do not own **Teen Titans** , obviously.

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 _If you're looking for a happy ending and can't seems to find one, maybe it's time you start looking for a new beginning instead - Ritu Ghatourney._

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Garfield had dragged me out again today, and while I was angry at first, it actually become quite fun. We spent a few hours in the forest near Jump City just quietly enjoying the nature before he grew bored and pulled me to the mall. We were quite hungry after hours of trekking in the woods, so we headed for the food court first.

He told me to grab a table while he got us food, and thankfully the food court was not completely full. I trusted Garfield to get me something edible, he grew up a lot in the two years since Tokyo. Of course, it also helped that our relationship had smoothened out after I apologized for how I had acted. Now that we're not constantly at each other's throats, we were closest we had ever been.

I was patiently waiting at a table for Garfield to return when I saw someone who liked vaguely familiar. She must have felt me watching, for she turned her head and looked straight at me, scrunching up her face in recognition, trying to place me. I have changed a lot since we had last talked.

"Hey, Rachel," I greeted her.

She sat down across from me and we talked for a while. It was nice to see her again. Before I had fallen in with the Titans, I had been traveling around Earth for a while, seeing what people were like, steeling myself for when I would inevitably destroy their world. Rachel and I met on one of my trips, and we quickly became... I want to say friends, but that isn't so true. We were friendly, and I liked her more than anyone I had previously known. I'm pretty sure she liked me too, or at least appreciated me as a confidant, but we weren't as close as we could have been. Though that wasn't our fault.

I had been taught by the Monks of Azarath to block emotion and keep everyone out, and while no one taught Rachel that, she learned it herself. Rachel's home life had been... well, difficult is an understatement. Nonexistent more like it. She taught herself how not to get hurt anymore, and unfortunately that meant not giving anyone an opportunity to hurt her. I guess it was our similarity that drew us together, and allowed us to bond. But for all that Rachel was hurt, scared, and angry, she was also sure that there was some good out there. That all she had to do was go out there and get it, and then she would be happy.

I remember she drew me one time without me knowing, and showed me some time later. I was flattered, but couldn't exactly show it, so she never could see just how much it meant to me that she took out the time and effort for me. We then talked of life and death, all while looking up at the clouds. I could never understand Rachel's strength and resolve, especially when things were at their hardest. For every monstrous maw gaping wide I saw, she saw a valley at sunset. For every harpoon sinking into flesh I whispered of, she would sing of giraffes running across an open plain. What I saw chilled me, but she was chill with what she saw.

One of the last times we talked, there was a pride parade passing the cafe we were at. She told me she was a lesbian, and I readily accepted her. I mentioned being assexual, and she returned the favor, though not without a hint of disappointment that may or may not have been imagined. Maybe in another life we could have been something more, but we had both moved on with our lives, in two very different worlds.

Rachel left had already left by the time Garfield came back, but he must have seen her because he asked me who she was.

With no hesitation, I responded.

"An old friend. One I just met."


	8. January, 2005

AN: Sorry for no updates recently, real life got in the way. Anyways, trigger warnings for self-harm and suicidal thoughts.

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Disclaimer: I do not own **Teen Titans** , obviously.

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 _The truth is that everyone is bored, and devotes himself to cultivating habits - Albert Camus._

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Another five lacerations took their places on my arm today. Why? Well, why not? There was nothing better to do. Everyone has something they do when they need to occupy time, Starfire has her cooking, Cyborg his _baby_ , Robin his paperwork, and Beast Boy would spend all day playing those video games if he could. I- I cut. Simple as that, really.

I'm not sure for how much longer I can keep this up. It's been almost two years since we founded the Titans and now _that_ day is nearing. I lie awake at night and worries plague me. We can't just be Titans forever, I know that. One day, someone is going to be hurt or leave, and the team would never be the same. We're all pillars that help keep the idea of the Titans alive, and if even one of crumbles, then the idea would fall too, crushing the rest under its tremendous weight.

Of course, that's only if we live past July. I hate my father. I hate my birthday. I hate myself.

When these thoughts flock to me, the only solution I can see is to just end it all. It quickly gets dismissed, but not because I think that's cowardly, but because I'm not brave enough to do it. I'm afraid of living, afraid of the future, but I'm so afraid of dying. Always so afraid. Death is the only escape I know of, but escape into what?

The worst is that I have more than myself to worry about. The team, they don't have a clue, I haven't yet told them and I don't plan to. They don't deserve to have to worry. They should be able to live as carefree as they want. Maybe I'll work up the courage to go through with my plan before then, and they would never know of the terrors that exist beyond this world.

Is that why I cut? I never thought of it like that before, but it's become my middle ground. So close to end yet far enough to not trigger a panic attack. I want death so bad, but nothing, not even my father, scares me more than to think of what happens next. And the pain... I doubt it would be as enjoyable as the pain caused by my knife.

Some nights I curse the Monks of Azarath for not killing me when I was young. On others, I thank them for letting me live. I feel so foolish with all these conflicting thoughts in my head, and my emoticlones can't make heads or tails of it either. If only there was someone I could talk to, but of course, there is no one there for me but myself.


	9. August, 2004

AN: I hate *couch* being sick.

Yeah, I know, I haven't been keeping up with this very well, but I was working on other stories. My new Titans fic, **Garfield: Unchained** , now has the first chapter out, with the rest in production. It's going to be a long one, and I still don't know everything I want to do in it, but I'm hoping that people will have some fun with it. I'm also working on a Harry Potter fic called **The Cupboard Club** ft. Luna Lovegood and some other neglected characters.

Anyways, for the few of you guys who are fans of this collection, I give you something a little more lighthearted and more of an insight to daily Titan-life versus more of Raven brooding. If you like this kind of chapter better, tell me and I'll write more like this.

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Disclaimer: I do not own **Teen Titans** , obviously.

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 _If I'm as sick as a dog (very much so), act like a dog (sticking my tongue out to breath), and sound like a dog (incessant whining), I'm probably a dog - Jak Ovsum Trade_

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There was a bug going around, and many people were getting sick. The second Robin heard, he made sure to get a sample of the virus and tested it to ensure it wasn't part of an evil plan for world domination. It wasn't, but that didn't stop him from catching it as well. And now he's pacing around the Tower brooding. This isn't as scary as it normally would be, seeing as how Starfire draped one of her blankets, a pink one with smiling cat faces, around his shoulders and he didn't have the heart to take it off.

Cyborg and Beast Boy tease him about being the only Titans to get sick, but out of all of us, they can empathize the best. I have never gotten sick, probably because of my half-demon heritage, and who knows what illnesses are like on Tamaran. Probably nothing like Earthly ones, seeing as how Starfire is completely out of her depth when Robin just has a cold or something similar.

The boys, on the other hand, are human like Robin. Well, not fully. Cyborg is, as his name suggests, part machine, but he wasn't born like that. Before his accident that required him to replace his blood and bones with wires and steel plating, he was probably just a normal human, and he must have gotten sick during that time.

Beast Boy also doesn't seem human at first glance, and his DNA is so warped he couldn't really be called human, but he wasn't an alien, and it was impossible for him to have been born that way. His powers must come from some science experiment gone awry or the like, which would mean he once was a normal human.

Robin just let out 'the mother of all sneezes' as Beast Boy called it, and I'm very glad to be on the other side of the Ops. Room from him. Wouldn't want him to ruin my journal with snot. Oh, it seems I was wrong about Starfire. She wasn't just floating around aimlessly because of her agitation. She was actually waiting for her 'Pudding of the Sickness' to be ready. Now that it is, according to her because let's be honest, who else can actually tell, she pulled out a spoon and shoved some into Robin's protesting mouth.

It was probably meant to make him feel better, judging by Starfire's wild exclamations, but it only seems to have made things worse. Robin's eyes started to water, and rolled back into his head, before his hand snapped in front of his mouth and he ran out of the room, presumably towards the bathroom. Starfire flew out after him, spoon in one hands and bowl of 'pudding' in the other.

Cyborg and Beast Boy are on the floor, clutching their sides and doing their best to stop laughing. There are tears in their eyes, and every other sound they make is a gasp for air. They almost regained their control before loud retching sounds echo around the room from beyond the doors, along with some of Starfire's muffled shouting.

All the control they had just gained flew out the window, and a new laughing fit started. Cyborg is pounding his fists on the ground and kicking his legs, while Beast Boy is rolling around and seems to have laughed so much he is no longer making a sound. Maybe Robin should be sick more often.

I'll admit, I had to raise up my journal a bit so no one would see my own smile. It was nowhere as large as those of Cyborg and Beast Boy, but they'd never let me live it down if they knew I found Robin's suffering funny. The truth is that I don't. It's Starfire's cluelessness combined with Robin's suffering that amuses me.

Well, that's enough for today, Cyborg and Beast Boy have stood up and are heading towards the couch. Planning on playing some games no doubt. I might as well leave now, knowing I won't get anymore peace around here. Meditation on the roof sounds nice.


	10. June 2011

AN: This is a sequel to chapter 5, or May, 2011. I haven't done a poem in a while, so I think the next one will be a poem. Don't get used to updates so close together, this isn't like me.

This one is different to the rest in writing because... well, you'll see.

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Disclaimer: I do not own **Teen Titans** , obviously.

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 _When life gives you lemons, don't make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! I don't want your damn lemons, what the hell am I supposed to do with these? Demand to see life's manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons! Do you know who I am? I'm the man who's gonna burn your house down! With the lemons! I'm gonna get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down! - Cave Johnson, Portal_

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Raven and Robin have left the Tower to… do something, I wasn't really paying attention. But you know what they say, when the birds are away, the beast will play! Or he would, if the robot and the princess weren't super boring and doing some paperwork or something. I don't know, I wasn't really paying attention.

Thankfully, my boredom did not last long, as I found this magical book on the Ops. room table. It's really fancy, and it's a book, so it must belong to Raven, and if it belongs to Raven, it's magical. The others roll their eyes whenever I say that, but I have proof this time. It made my wildest dreams come true!

I was just skimming through, when I saw my name in it. My name! And it talked about how sweet and stuff I was. And it was dated 2007, 4 years ago! I couldn't believe it, so I read some more, and guess what? That's right, There were more entries like that! All of which Raven wrote! Every single one! I even found one from 2003! I didn't even remember that chicken, but she treasured it!

Raven has liked me for so long! I can't believe it! I was sure Raven couldn't stand me even when we began going out in '09! I worked so hard to win her over, when she was already on team BB! It's just too good to be true! But it is! Yeah, I know! So crazy!

Not everything I read was good, though. There is a lot of stuff in this book that I wish was untrue. If I had to pick between everything in this book being a lie or everything being the truth, I would wish for it all to be false. Yeah, it's that bad. I love that Raven loves me, but isn't love putting someone else's happiness before your own? I could live with her not loving me if only she hadn't had to suffer so much.

Of course, had she not suffered, she wouldn't be the person she is now, and who knows if I would have still fallen in love with her then. Who knows if she would have even been a Titan. I want to say yes with all my heart, but pain attracts pain, and to have suffered seems to be a requirement for Titanship.

Damn it, I was trying to write something deep. Titanship! How stupid can I be! Damn it! Oh well, just gotta hope that Raven doesn't mind that I completely messed up her dairy. Seeing how mad she got when Cyborg and I fell into her mind, even though we didn't really see anything, I can only imagine her wrath should she not find my mess up charming. She usually doesn't. I should probably start running, shouldn't I?

I've still got this one place I haven't taken her to that I can camp out at until this all blows over. It should have a whole ton of canned food saved up from when Robin made us all make bomb shelters. I knew that trading away Mega Monkeys 5 for Cyborg's beans was a wise investment. Let's see him laugh at me now!

But before I go...

You know, Rae Rae, that if you really had such a hard time letting me know, you could have just up and told me. It probably would have been less blatant than this.

My answer is always yes to you, my dear.


	11. March, 2015

AN: I live! Huzzah! Take that Professors! Seriously, though, is there an undiscovered species of vampire that don't need to bite because whenever I see them I feel all my energy drain.

This probably isn't what most of you were hoping for, but it's what started flowing when I put my fingers on the keyboard. The way I see it, and this is very sad so maybe just skip to the chapter, is that Raven believes she is undeserving of happiness and so tries to sabotage herself at every turn. This is her convincing herself that not breaking it off with Beast Boy would only mean more pain for everyone later because there is no way that they would actually stay together. As I said before, very sad.

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Disclaimer: I do not own **Teen Titans** , obviously.

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 _The First Noble Truth: Life is full of Suffering_

 _The Second Noble Truth: Suffering is caused by Desire and Ignorance_

 _The Third Noble Truth: There is an End to Suffering_

 _The Fourth Noble Truth: The Middle Path leads to an end of Suffering_

 _The Four Noble Truths of Buddhism_

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I've been awake too long trying to put pen to paper and say what has been building inside of me for weeks now. Garfield and I… simply won't work. He doesn't realize it, but we're not fit for each other. He is still so high off his victory of cracking my shell—even after all these years—that he doesn't see that I'm not the person he always thought I was underneath it. Even I hadn't seen it until I really thought about it. I myself was too high off finally feeling something, that I didn't want to see it.

It all started with a throwaway comment by him about the future and wanting a big family. How he wanted a big family.

I swore never to have children, not with the chance that my own father might try to use them as a portal back into this world. Sure, we defeated him the first time, but he won't underestimate us again. No, he was just playing around last time. Should he ever return, he'll undoubtedly strike with no mercy.

That's not the problem, though, as it's not like Garfield can have children. Well, he can, but it is not likely. According to Victor, his DNA is too unstable, which in turn made his sperm weak. I have a feeling that even if that wasn't the case he would still be against fathering any children. The others may not see it, but I know that Garfield is still highly self-conscious of his looks and considers himself a freak, not matter how much we have worked to disabuse him of the notion.

The problem is that I don't even want to imagine a large family. Just being with Garfield is hard enough, and I need to constantly be on guard for any extreme emotions. I've told him several times over the past few years that we need to separate for a while so I can get my bearings, and I see it in his eyes how he hurts every single time, even though he knows I'll always come back.

But Garfield has been around me for over a decade, and can understand my reasoning, as well as the danger. But children are not that understanding, they just don't have the experience. And I refuse to be a mother like my own, absent more times than not. I could not do that to a child.

And that is only the beginning of the incompatibilities between us. I guess that after I thought about that, I started looking for them, and now I can't unsee them. Garfield is a loud person. It's one of the things I love about him. He's always so warm and bright, and he dances through life as if he's a blazing fire. And just like a fire, he'll burn brightly for as long as there is fuel, never letting up an inch. But before long the fuel is burned, blackened, and turned to ash and the fire goes out too.

His tenacity is beautiful to observe, like waves crashing on a beach, always trying to reach further no matter the futility. But the rocks on that beach get worn down little by little until all that's left is grains of sand. Garfield is turning me to dust, inadvertently but undeniably.

I know that it will hurt him, but if I leave it he'll only be more hurt later. Better to end it now before his attachment grows even larger. After all, attachment is the cause of suffering.


	12. July, 2005

AN: So... How are you guys doing? Yeah, I know, I haven't updated in like a year, but I've been very busy. And I am working on stuff now, so keep your rotting produce in check.

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Disclaimer: I do not own **Teen Titans** , obviously.

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 _If you want a picture of the future, imagine a boot stamping on a human face—for ever - George Orwell, 1984._

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We did it.

We actually did it.

I'm still in shock, it hasn't quite sunk in yet. I never thought . . . I never even imagined . . . to see the end of that creature . . . I did not think it was possible. Beings like him don't exactly die every day. In fact, I can't remember ever learning about a dead demon lord, only ones that were deceived into exile or trapped within powerful magical artifacts at the cost of thousands of sacrifices. The fact that we killed Trigon is . . .

. . . Impossible.

So he's not really dead. Probably just retreated back to his realm to lick his pride and rebuild his power base. If he ever comes back . . .

Damn it. I can't believe I didn't see this before. He was just toying with us. Letting Robin and Slade go find me, creating those shades to fight Starfire, Cyborg, and Beast Boy, he didn't even release his more dangerous underlings. He was like a cat playing with its food, but now that the mouse has escaped he won't make the same mistake twice. His next attack will be aimed straight at the jugular.

He needs someone of his blood to open the portal, otherwise it could lead to the realm of any demon lord, not just his. He already used me, but that's not the kind of sacrifice someone can do twice. For now, we are safe. As long as he doesn't have anymore spawn hidden away somewhere, this world will be safe. I'm sure I can come up with a ritual that will lead me to any half-siblings I may have. Once I find them...

I'll have to kill them. There is no other option. They may be innocent of any crimes, but it is too risky to allow them to live. It was too risky to allow me to live.

I can't tell the others. Not this. They won't understand. They'll think that since we beat him once we could do it again. They'll think I'm being overly paranoid. They definitely won't agree with... with murder. But that's fine. I can bear the burden on my own so they don't have to. For my friends, I will do that.

Sometimes bad things have to be done to prevent worse things from happening.

One's older than sixteen will also need to be dealt with. It doesn't matter that they can't open the portal anymore. Their children could. Maybe. I don't really know. But I'm not willing to risk it. Anyone who bears the blood of Trigon must be eliminated. Even me.

But there is no one I can trust to do so except for me. I couldn't just hand over this responsibility like an inheritance. I have to find a way to live forever. Or at least until Trigon is defeated for good.

This is going to take a lot of work.


	13. November, 2004

AN: If you just follow this story or if you are a fan of my work in general, I ask that you look at my profile for why I haven't been updating lately and why I might go silent again for months. Basically, shit happens to people that don't deserve it and when it happens to someone you care about you gotta stick with them.

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Disclaimer: I do not own **Teen Titans** , obviously.

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 _What is man without the beasts? For if all the beast were gone, man would die of a great loneliness of the spirit - Chief Seattle_

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There was an incident. Some chemicals spilt on Beast Boy and Adonis and turned them into . . . well, into something. I'm not quite sure what I should call it. Whatever it is, it's not like Beast Boy's other transformations. He doesn't have control over this one, and though he never said it out loud, I could tell through my empathic powers that the process was excruciating. In that form Beast Boy runs completely on instincts. He didn't seem to recognize the other Titans, they even had a fight, but he recognized me. He . . . protected me.

When we first fought Adonis, he made some unwanted advances towards me, made my skin crawl. I put him in his place, but I guess the mind of his . . . beast saw it as an insult and wanted to get me back. He even broke into the Tower. That drove Cyborg up the wall when he found out and he's been upgrading the security since.

Adonis . . . he hurt me pretty bad, I had to go into a healing trance. In my defence, I wasn't really expecting an attack within the Tower, and in the dark I at first thought it was Beast Boy, who was being rude earlier but not dangerous. I let Adonis get close thinking he was Beast Boy . . .

He took me from the Tower. Beast Boy saved me but the others didn't know. They thought he had hurt me. It wasn't until I woke up and told them about Adonis that they understood. Robin was even going to lock up Beast Boy.

After Beast Boy and I returned from his rock and he went to bed after, I made sure to tear the others to shreds. At eleven, Cyborg said I made him feel all of two inches tall, so I kept them until one so that they would understand how Beast Boy felt when they accused him of hurting me. Only when I was sure they had learnt their lesson did I send them of to their rooms, all of them hanging their heads in shame. Starfire even walked, too down to float.

I didn't want them to be sad, but I had to explain to them that Beast Boy would never, _ever_ hurt one of us. Not for all the power, wealth, or tofu in the world. Not even to save his own life. That's just the kind of person Beast Boy was. And even after I comforted him, I could still feel something inside of him had shattered due to the team's lack of trust in him. I don't know if it will ever become whole again, but I know that fixing it will take a lot more than just super glue and duct tape.

Perhaps, though, something good will come of this. Perhaps we will all come closer as a result. Perhaps Robin will stop jumping to conclusions. Perhaps Cyborg will become a more supportive friend. Perhaps Starfire will learn to tell her friends what she really thinks, even if it's not what they want to hear. Perhaps I will take a more active role in the team.

And perhaps . . . perhaps Beast Boy will actually become Beast Man.


End file.
